the start of it…at the very heart of it
I did it! I arrived in Rio de Janeiro yesterday! Somehow I made it from the airport to my room in Santa Teresa without any “big” mess ups. Figuring out the small details are always what unnerves me the most. The last minute things that I never prepare myself for, without a doubt, make it feel like life itself suddenly got caught up in a whirlwind, to which I have no control over, and just have to hunker down and go along for the ride. There are though, with those whirlwinds, however annoying and jarring as they are, a lessened to be learned. These are the lessons I fear most, but also the ones that always teach me the most.
Yesterday I wrote a post for you but it had a completely different life to it. It was one of excitement and hope; descriptions and romantic words. Unfortunately it was erased. Today, however, is the day it all sunk in. This is the day I feared would come, but never did I realize so quickly!
I’m here in this amazing city, I did it, but to no avail, my fear suddenly crept back in and the feeling of loneliness and longing to have someone to experience this with overwhelmed my senses. Maybe it’s not really wanting to have someone here to experience this with really, but rather someone to rally me through this time and tell me to get off my butt and go explore. But alas, I just have myself and sometimes I am not the most convincing person.
I know you have to take one day at a time, but when time is short you can’t really afford to dilly dally the days away. But I did go out and walk along the streets of my neighborhood this morning and even was brave enough to buy a bottle of water. I know what you are thinking, “adventure is my middle name!!! ah ha!!” But honestly, why is it that I am so afraid of being known as a foreigner or as a tourist? The answer to that has its layers. At the surface it is because I don’t want to be taken advantage of and don’t want to stand out as much as I already do. I don’t want anyone to find out my secret, that I am really not Brazilian. Ha, as if they already didn’t figure that one out! Though walking the streets today I did find I don’t even get a second glance. Which at first I was like, “I don’t get it; everyone said I would stick out like a sore thumb!” But to my surprise I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t getting the attention I did not even want from the get go! Funny how that works. However disappointing as that is, it is a good thing. I can blend in and that makes me feel a little more at ease. But this was just for an hour and I didn’t even make it to the supermarket, which was my main goal. I definitely realized that I get intimidated very easily. By the time I was passing the last supermarket by, I was already sweating like race horse running around the track. So I opted out and took myself back up the steep, curvy, cobblestone hill to the comfort of my room.
When I got home, I was hungry, thirsty, tired, and felt defeated. How am I supposed to do anything or experience anything if I don’t have enough gumption to step outside and explore? That’s when the tears came and still are sprouting here and there as I write this. Let me just put it simply, I am scared shitless! And that is when all the questions, fears, and feelings of loneliness, bubble up like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment. Boy did they erupt! Once I allowed myself to have a good cry, I heard a knock on my door. It was Bruno, the only person I know in Rio right now! He wanted to give me a run down of the neighborhood and show me where things were on the map that was taped to his door. He asked if I wanted some coffee, which I said “yes, please!” (probably a little too eagerly, but I don’t think he noticed.) He continued to tell me about the different places I could go and even invited me to hear his band play one evening, which again, a little too eagerly, jumped at the chance to do! He said if I needed anything to just let him know. And reassured me that this neighborhood was safe and I will be ok. Funny how a complete stranger can put you at ease!
Well that’s my story today. Hopefully, the days to come will be filled with a little more bravery. I do plan to go out again this afternoon to the supermarket. I am really hungry! Wish me luck, and pray I don’t say a bad word, because my Portuguese at this point, Nao muito bom. (That took me 10 minutes to figure out, and I’m pretty sure it’s not even the correct way to say it.) Oh the joys of learning another language! Til’ we meet again, Tchau!