the end to the beginning…or something like that

Well, it is a week out before I leave. There is much anticipation and to my surprise doubt and worry. The funny thing is I am not worried about the trip, but rather what I am going to do after. I’m worried that I am banking too much on this trip to define what I want to do next, that in turn, will not fully enjoy it. Why is it that we, as humans, (or maybe Americans -that is USA) why is it we always look to the next and not live in this moment here?

This trip to South America is an adventure some only dream about. I am actually doing it! Yet, I have so much hesitation. Why is this? Well, I have quit my jobs, which has been a surreal feeling to say the least. You know, someone asked me the other day; “What do you do?” I paused; my answer usually is this, that and the other, but I caught myself and said, “Nothing.” I don’t have a job, which for the past however long has defined who I was and am to be. I felt naked! I was asked a very typical question but I didn’t have the proper answer. I didn’t have anything that I was doing. Even in years past when I didn’t have a job, I was always able to counter the question with, “Oh, I’m a student” or “I’m currently taking photography courses.” Now, well, now I really don’t have anything to define me! While I’ve noticed, this can be very freeing at times it can be very scary. I haven’t quite figured which one it is yet. When I tell people what I am doing these next few months they seem to either look at me in a confused sort of state or they just say, “How exciting!” and want to know the details. When I am done baring the details, however, without a doubt, they always ask, “So what will you do when you get back?” That question, no matter how prepared I am for it, always throws me off. The simple answer is “I don’t know” the more complicated one is filled with doubt, anxiety and things that make my stomach churn. I’m turning 30 and I just quit all my jobs. I have been planning this trip for what feels like a lifetime and I can’t seem to get out of my head, “Was this smart?”, “Am I doing the right thing?” My heart says “yes, you are my dear, don’t worry, don’t fret!”, but my logical head says, “What the HELL are you doing?! This is so irresponsible!!!” So all that to say is I will leave you with this warning or rather just a thought on what is to come from my posts…the things I write, you may think, are revealing too much of myself. One thing you will get to know about me is I have never been afraid to lay my heart open for others to read. In the past, people have worried about my state of being from the things that I have written, but my thought is this… Everyone goes through these struggles, some more than most. Who am I to keep what I am experiencing inside only for me? That is the very opposite of what defines an experience! You are supposed to live and then retell! For at the very least so others can either learn from it or just hear that someone too is going through struggles, experiencing pain, laughter, joy, love, heartbreak and the rest of what life brings. If I don’t share my vulnerable moments then who am I to say that I have experienced anything at all? Oh, one last thought before I close, if I may, this being mostly to myself than to anyone else… Live this moment, in this time. Take that leap into the unknown, no matter how scary it may be. You never know what could be waiting down below.